What is it with wedding receptions? They are *always* exactly the same...I mean *obviously* there's always going to be a few constants what with their very nature and all...i'd guess that even the most radical of wedding receptions will normally have been preceded by a wedding which, of course, means you'll have a newly wed couple there plus loads of family in tow, from the quietly decaying old folk to the shrieking monster children, so there you've instantly got some of the ingredients for these hellish occasions :) ....but since they're all unavoidable really I don't have a problem with them...no...the things I have a problem with are the things that *could* be done differently, but never are, meaning that the party aspect of "Mr & Mrs Mundane's" special day is always doomed to blur into unsatisfying mediocrity...well now that i've succeeded in offending...er...well, anyone who's ever got married I suppose :) I shall illustrate my point further.

Mundane Point 1 - Location: Invariably to be a town hall or social club of some description with a few threadbare seats, a knackered dancefloor (that will, if all 'wedding reception' laws are followed, become a frictionless deathtrap later on due to the massive amounts of spilt lager and/or smirnoff ice (or cheap derivative) all over the place) and cackling toothless lunatics as the bar staff.

Mundane Point 2 - Music: This is where my real problem with these things lies...it would seem that there's been an EU directive set in place regarding the music played at these things, perhaps playing anything even remotely enjoyable is punishable by a painful death at the hands of horde of irate belgians (look I don't know what the hell Belgium is for? do you know what they do? didn't think so...so let's just say that they are the rabid dogs of Europe...no reason really, just makes me laugh) or something? That's the only explanation I can think of as to why anyone would intentionally play music that terrible...I mean, I like music, I like *lots* of music...but I spend the majority of these things sat down being utterly astounded at the bewilderingly terrible music selection...it's as if someone's been carefully building a music collection of completely souless shit for the last 30 years or so, painstakingly winnowing out anything with any actual content, musical flair, originality, rhythm or artistic integrity so that your left with a 3 decade-long back catalogue of instantly forgettable, cynically mass produced, musically inept, lyrically retarded, generic, hateful shit...you know, the kind of music that you'd expect to be hearing for all eternity in hell (in fact, as someone said to me at one of these things, the only reason people are dancing is because we actually *are* in hell and they aren't dancing...just shuffling their feet madly because the floor's too hot). Perhaps I hate these things so much because I do actually love music and that, since I do actually listen to real music and have the greatest respect for it, i've been turned into something of a musical snob? Well that may be so...but to be perfectly honest i'd rather be a snob with taste than a moron who listens to shit!

Mundane Point 3 - Dancing: This sort of ties in with point 2 in that, due to the music atrocities inflicted on you at these affairs, I can't dance...now don't get me wrong, I do actually enjoy dancing...i'm not one of those people who's token ventures onto a dancefloor consist of standing awkwardly next to people occasionally bending their knees slightly and clutching deperately to whatever drink they've got like it's a ward against unspeakable evil, sipping from it occasionally to give them an excuse not to dance properly...no...i'm not like that, play good music and I will very happily dance for hours...however, no amount of alcohol will make me stupid enough to think "ooohhh S-Club 7...I've *got* to dance to that!" (a phrase which I was horrified to hear my sister utter at the last one of these...she is no longer my sister...I don't know her...who?...that weird bird dancing to cringeworthy teen nonsense...nope, never seen her before in my life...glad i'm not related to her or anything). A second part to this point is that, since the only people dancing are the ones who bludgeoned their brains into complete incoherence, the dancing on display is of the most ultimately embarrassing variety...not that i'm a fantastic dancer or anything you understand...but a combination of walking strangely, inexplicable hand gestures and a constant state of near collapse (all, of course, horrendously out of time with the "music" that's being played) is not, by my estimation, dancing.

I could go on but i've now run out of time and i'm sure you've all got your own horrifying memories from these things so lets treat this as a memory jogger shall we?...now, insert your own witty comments here...oooohhhhh interactive !:)