As has been previously established i'm a graphic designer...and one of the things that's associated with this job is an astounding capacity for the nearly continual consumption of coffee...lots of it...and i'm no different, in fact it's one of the things i'm very good at is drinking obscene amounts of coffee during the day!...to quote one of the many old comments i've heard "Do doctors worry if they find blood in your caffeine stream?" hehehe :)

One of the many perks that comes with being a pretentious, eccentric, overbearing, arty wanker is being able to demand a steady flow of coffee from any peons who are foolish enough to wander near my desk :D...and you'd think that the relatively simple task of 'making a coffee' is something that *anyone* can do yes?...well, it would seem not (judging by the attempts I get given at times anyway...sometimes I actually have to make one myself! pfffff!)...it's all a finely orchestrated blend that, done in the correct order, makes for a marvellous drink...but if any one of these steps is bodged, not done properly or, horror of horrors done in the wrong order it makes for an unpalatable sludge that is best left for the sink to enjoy!

So, in the style of that B3tan who managed to sell his tea-making services to some Americans (anyone know what happened with that incidentally...I know someone did actually buy it on Ebay...but have not seen any more to the tale?), here is a quick guide for everyone on the fine yet simple art of making a good cup of coffee:

Step 1 - Boil the kettle...hhhmmmm no lets be a little clearer than that shall we? that leaves *far* too much room for disaster and I don't want irate emails from people complaining that their kettle blew up when they put it in a saucepan and tried to boil it...and i'll not say "put the kettle on" either, I think we all know where that would lead!

Step 1 Ver. 2 - Fill kettle with water, plug it in, turn it on ;)
Step 2 - Whilst wating for water to boil get a mug and put the relevant amounts of coffee and sugar in it which, in my case, is 2 coffees and 3 sugars...*sigh* yes I did say 3, what of it? shall we just say that i'm *not* sweet enough and leave it at that ;)...and just to clarify, when I say '3' I don't mean 3 half-arsed attempts, I mean 3 proper, full, heaped spoonfulls...yum.
Step 3 - Pour in some milk, and none of this pissy semi-skimmed, skimmed or, god forbid, UHT shite either...no...proper full fat nice milk, cream if possible. Now we have here another possible area for disaster, you see your tea drinker will normally put one insignificant, stingy little splash of milk in there...no no no...put in a decent amount of milk for god's sake! it tastes nicer, believe me :)
Step 4 - Pour in boiling water.
Step 5 - Stir...now here we have the normal area for mishap...you see people who only have 1 or even 2 sugars will just waft a sppon around once or twice and it'll do...not so when you're on 3 sugars i'm afraid! you see if someone stirs your coffee like that what you end up with is a drink that tastes terrible for 3/4 of the way before you meet an overpoweringly sweet sedimentary layer of pure sugar at the bottom!...stirring is important! stir more damn you!
Step 6 - Serve to me...showing the correct levels of obesciance at all times...no direct eye contact, kneel as you approach, bow repeatedly as you leave etc.

That's about it really...i'll expect better from you from now on ok?...no no no let's not make a scene, I *know* you're sorry, let's just put this whole unpleasant business behind us and start afresh now shall we? Jolly Good ;)