I have recently been spending a not too inconsiderable amount of time on www.hotornot.com, which is one of those irritatingly addictive rating sites where you're shown pictures of people and give them a rating from 1 (for munter) and 10 (for me...obviously...oh shush), now aside from the obvious attractions here of being able to anonymously crush people's feelings (which I, of course, don't do...nor do I condone that kind of thing...unless they're *really* offensively ugly...sorry, just joking), being unbelievably judgemental and shallow with no repercussions and being able to leer at tasty women without any chance of a slap ;) there's the incredibly fun game of reading people's introductions...sounds crap I know but it's not, the introductions are the bits where you have to attempt to encapsulate your personality in 250 characters or less...which to anyone with any more personality that a paper bag just isn't going to happen...take this site for example, I'd say that, in it's entirety, it manages to give people a vague approximation of what i'm like but comes nowhere near to actually depicting my personality accurately...and i've written over 42,000 words so far...and i'm as deep as a puddle! ;) so to try and convey *anything* in 250 characters is impossible...but you'd be surprised at how many people do actually try...instead of just being incisive, witty, debonair and playful (like I did of course) they try to cram whatever they can in there...and it makes for very entertaining reading!

But something i've noticed as i've mockingly laughed my way through these introductory bits of twaddle is that there is an underlying code language at work here...a new version of English which looks the same but is actually totally different (and i'm not talking about the entries by Chav wankers who see fit to type in fuckwit) and it's easy to become confused by this new and confusing subculture...so I thought i'd offer a helping hand :) to that end here is my little guide to the words used in these things and their meanings in *real* English:

Bubbly - Fat.

Cuddly - Fat.

Curvaceous - Fat.

Vivacous - Fat.

Curvy - Fat.

Lots of fun - Probably fat, possibly alcoholic.

Easy going - Lazy...and possibly fat.

Any retarded version of normal words ie. 'gyal' instead of girl, 'bwoy' instead of boy, 'no' instead of know etc translates to - i'm a dribbling retard and am, almost certainly, nothing more than a monetary, intellectual and spiritual drain on society in general...please shoot me in the face as quickly as possible so that I can't weaken the gene pool any further with my horrendous offspring who will, no doubt, be fat.

Kind and gentle - I like being abused, I may also be fat.

I like meeting new people - I have no friends...possibly because im fat.

I'm crazy! (or any derivative thereof...bonkers, barmy, mad etc) - I'm quite painfully dull and am hoping that by insisting i'm 'crazy' to everyone I will, by dint of irritating repetition, liven up my utterly banal personality...either that or I really *am* crazy and i'll jam a kitchen knife between your ribs when you're not looking...i'm probably fat too.

I'm enjoying life to the max! - I really couldn't think of anything better than this horrendously trite comment which, by inferrence, means that i'm not too used to independent thinking and consider 'living life to the max' to be going to the estate pub and drinking till I pass out every weekend.

I can't be arsed to write anything here - I can't think of anything even remotely interesting to say and, foolishly, think that this pitiful attempt to appear nonchalant about this whole thing will disguise my dull nature and fatness.

I love being who I am - I don't love being who I am and i'm fat.

My mate made me do this for a laugh - said 'mate' is purely fictional, didn't make me do anything and is one of my many imaginary friends I have in place of real people.

I love shopping - I love shopping with other people's money.

I'm cool - I desperately wish I was cool but know with every fibre of my being that i'm not.

I like having fun, dancing and drinking - I live on a council estate, am 18 and have numerous illegitimate offspring with comedy names like 'Chantelle', 'Kylie', 'Brandon' or 'Tyler'.

Use of 'lol' more than 3 times in said 250 character space - Kill me, kill me now.

'Ppl' instead of 'people' - I am a blight on the face of humanity with no redeeming worth.

I could go on (oh believe me I could) but i'll bet that 98% of people reading this will hate me by this point! so i'll take this opportunity to reinstate my non-cynical and entirely fluffy and happy persona by saying...ah come on I was only joking ;)