Hiya :)

I'm going to share a little something with you all today, some of you who know me will possibly have heard this rant before so i'll try and make it more entertaining than the usual unimaginitive invective...everyone ready? then i'll begin.

I have a special place in my heart reserved just for London...it's not a happy place (the place in my heart I mean...not London...although both are accurate) it's a cold, dark, awful place (again i'm referring to the place in my heart here but I can see how you can easily mistake the two)...yes that's right I *hate* London...and not just a little bit either...I downright loathe the place...it is awful, horrible, miserable, offensive and scary...you know that episode of The Simpsons where Homer has to go to New York?...and how Homer feels about said city?...well that's how I feel about London.

Me and London would have absolutely no problems with each other if only we could stay separate...i'd happily agree to stay away from London if London were to do the same...but London's got to be selfish hasn't it...it, apparently, *needs* all of the good clubs all to itself (which as far as i'm concerned is just plain greedy) which unfortunately means I have to visit the bloody place fairly often. Now why do I hate London so much you may well ask? well aside from the obvious...the obvious being that I flat out *refuse* to give anywhere the leniency that so many people give London, i'm sorry but as far as i'm concerned a place where it's highly probable that you'll get mugged or killed, where you have to drive like an absolute wanker to get anywhere, where no-one will greet, help, or talk to each other and where you expect to pay 5 times the actual price of anything is a place that's best avoided. I've heard so many people say things like 'oh yeah I got mugged at knifepoint when I walked over there but it was my own fault really...shouldn't have gone that way'...WHAT!...how is that ok?!? why do people insist on going somewhere so fucking miserable!...but anyway, aside from all that I think I can illustrate my point about London with two little anecdotes from this weekend's recent excursion:

1-Now believe me i'm not a fan of public transport *anywhere*...as far as i'm concerned it's a nightmare best avoided, but it is occasionally necessary. And on the, already disturbing, eventuality that public transport *does* become necessary most other places in the world will actually provide you with the relevant items to help you use their godawful service...ie tickets. Not so in wonderful London! Upon our arrival at Kings Cross (certainly not a backwater station I think you'll agree) we discovered that all of the ticket machines for the underground were boarded up...we turned to use the ones that are actually staffed by people, oh they're boarded up too...we then notice signs directing us upstairs and outside to the ticket booths there...we all march back upstairs again...go outside and discover...guess what?...all these tickets booths are boarded up too...YAY! Only in London my friends would a simple concept like trying to give someone your money for the half-arsed woeful service they 'provide' be so complicated.

2-Upon reaching the club we were all off to we met with the mother of all queues...hundreds of people all crammed into a very narrow space with a road along one side so that any stragglers unfortunate enough to be shoved off the meagre pavement space ran the risk of being run over...oh wonderful. Anyway, after a while of queueing (with no discernible movement from the queue I might add) we inquired with a passing 'official' (ie someone with a clipboard) if people with tickets should go to the front? (since that was what the word from the front was) 'no, everyone has to queue here' was the reply...fair enough yes?. After a little more waiting, a side door that we were stood next to was flung open and everyone (specifically us) was flung out into the street...bouncers came out of the doorway and loudly grunted that 'this entrance was for the guestlist only, everyone else move' which whilst being rude is fair enough...one problem though, the door was in the middle of an already tightly packed throng of people who, quite simply, had nowhere else to stand...so having a hoard of hairless apes scream 'get out of the fucking road and move down the fucking queue!' in your ear as you're gradually crushed against everone else is not really all too helpful. Now I know i'm generalising here and that there are some bouncers in this world with a modicum of sense, but these retards weren't amongst their number and whilst I understand that your average droop-browed knuckle-dragging bouncer doesn't really have much use for tricky concepts like 'spatial awareness' beyond 'bad man face there, me punch!' but is it *really* too complicated to grasp that when an area is already absolutely crammed with people that *more* people won't fit? Anyway before the slack-jawed dribbling dolts managed to crush us all to death, or succeeded in getting us run over, we discovered that we, as ticket holders, *could* in fact get in from the front of the queue...*sigh* again, only in London.

God I fucking hate London!