So then, as i said on Friday, I was going to explain the reasons behind that post...well it all boils down to one simple thing really...my mum is a paranoid lunatic :) ...think i'm being harsh? Allow me to explain.

I'm sure she was normal once (wasn't she dad?) but as the years have crept on she seems to keep getting worse and worse, it's nothing drastic of course...I mean i'm not saying that my mum's lost her grip on reality and that she prowls the house wearing a tinfoil hat (to stop the spy lasers from reading her brain) armed with that nozzle from a hoover that no-one (apart from insane mums) knows the use of and a roll of gaffa tape (which, obviously, is the universe's instant cure all...something falling apart? gaffa tape it! I personally think that the UN should talk to the manufacturers of Gaffa Tape about a possible mass-export of the stuff over to the troops in the Middle East...that'd put a stop to the deteriorating situation ;))...but she's not far off :) I personally think that it's just a combination of her being something of a technophobe and irresponsible 'conspiracy theory' style media drivel that she's unfortunately seen...I remember the days (when I were a lad :)) when she used to have a telephone conversation without having a panic at some point during it, these days nearly any chat with mum will feature the "ssshhhhhh! don't say that over the phone! you never know who's listening!" moment...hhhmmmmmm quite :)...exactly who are this consortium of cads who *apparently* scour the airwaves listening into EVERY telephone conversation in the world? Just waiting for the moment when a sarky non-believer like me says something of great import like 'i'm going to the cinema on Friday'...which, obviously, is astoundingly important...because the brain lasers get too much interference in the Cinema...your brain gives out odd readings...didn't you know that? :)

It's not just the phone either...I mean, if she's that paranoid about a simple thing like a phone how do you think she feels about the voodoo magic that is...*gasp*...THE INTERNET!...It is a scary place the Internet, hideout of every ne'er-do-well who ever walked the face of the earth...there is NOTHING outside of their power...merely possessing a connection to the web is enough for them to know everything there is to know about you (this is, presumably, due to the fact that the brain lasers don't work because mum's secretly lined the roof of the house in tinfoil) and that's before you even turn the modem on! I remember the first time I went online at home...i'd borrowed a modem from work and my boss said I could use the work account...so I went home and set my Mac up in the living room, got all the details set up in the TCP/IP control panel and prepared myself to go online...just as I was about to connect Mum explodes in a torrent of paranoia "NOOOO! You can't go online! What's going to happen? You'll get arrested for going on there! If you connect they'll know everything about us! Address! History! Bank Details! What time I had a bath tonight! EVERYTHING!"...erm...rrrrrright...after about an hour and a half of patient explanation from me and my dad (How will they find all this out if we don't key the information in? The internet IS actually legal and normal people DO go on there! Who cares if they have our address? Exactly who are this mysterious "they"? and why in the name of all that's holy would any evil mafia wrongdoer want to know about your bathing habits!) I eventually got to go online...but she couldn't take it...she panicked at every site I went to (understandably terrifying things like screenshots of the new Final Fantasy 7 game that had just been released in Japan :))...and when, after finding the link on a 'best of the web' bit on 'webcrawler', I went to a site called 'Jennicam' (anyone remember this site?) she absolutely freaked out and practically ripped the phone socket out of the wall! Needless to say the Internet and my mum were kept seperate for many many years :)

That's not all of it of course...i'd be here all day listing it all :) ...but you get the gist, and I don't think it's a bad thing really, just an entertaining facet of my mum's personality...besides if she did stop doing it me, the other siblings and my dad would run out of piss taking material!

Hi mum! love you :)