Paper is, apparently, a truly astounding thing...it can do anything...it has awesome destructive powers!...it can reduce or increase it's size and mass at will!...it can effortlessly suck ambient moisture from any given environment, seemingly knowing no bounds to it's capacity to hold colossal amounts of water...don't believe any of that nonsense about cactii in the desert holding loads of water...no no no...should you ever find yourself stranded in some arid wasteland your salvation will come in the shape of a single piece of A4!...such is the unbelievable untapped power of the humble piece of paper!

Or so any Xerox engineer would have you believe anyway :) the company I work for runs a few fairly big Xerox printers (a lot bigger than any normal desktop printers...smaller than a Heidelberg though :)) and part of the deal we have with Xerox is a service contract...which means that on the frequent occasions that the printers die or start doing terrible things to our lovely designs, we can just call Xerox and an expert engineer will be straight out to see us, fix the printer, make our lives happy again, allieviate world hunger, put an end to war etc (I *may* have added the last two things there in a sudden fit of sarcasm)...what *actually* happens though is that some self-important twat swans into the office...passes a cursory glance over the printer...and says "I can see what your problem is here mate...it's the paper innit?"...oh really...is it now...and how would that be?..."erm...well...see...um...that paper's made from non-Xerox approved Norweigan spruces...and they're a devil on the print rollers them old Norweigan spruces is".

Well I submit to you Mr Xerox engineer that you are, in fact, talking complete and utter bollocks...what's actually happening here is that you A. Don't know how to fix it or B. Know that the machine's fucked and that it'll be quite expensive to fix...this should be covered by the service contract of course...but it behooves Xerox to try and put off any expensive part replacements as long as possible. So, regardless as to which of these options is true, the instant scapegoat to *anything* you care to mention is automatically paper...which, by inference, makes paper the most awe-inspiring, versatile and truly unique substance on the face of the planet...well...either that or Xerox engineers are full of shit...make your own minds up ;)