Ok...remember a while ago when I did a post about how easy it was to market stuff for boys? (you don't? well really! if you're going to turn up late you've only got yourself to blame...*sigh*...oh alright then, i'll be nice...click here to catch up with everyone else...*do* try harder in future :P) well it has recently come to my attention that marketing stuff to girls is even easier...I shall illustrate my point...now:

STEP ONE:
Hire stunningly gorgeous celeb to be in your advert.

STEP TWO:
film her twatting about doing some generic pointless pursuit (you know the stuff..."busy workaday office gal", "trendy sporty gal", "wander around shops gal", "extreme sports gal"...like that, all stupid shit that they obviously don't do really...it's just a handy dreamy setting for them doing what they *really* do...standing there, saying what they're told to say, smiling vacuously and fluttering their eyelashes) in an impossibly bright dreamlike landscape.

STEP THREE:
spend days in post-production digitally enhancing the already attractive starlet to be ever more impossibly perfect (what? you didn't *really* think it was the mascara or hair colouring or whatever that makes them look good did you? come come now ladies let's all embrace the facts...they look good because they have a team of artists using Adobe After Effects to make them look good...none of it's real you know ;))

STEP FOUR:
Do a whizzy 3D animation sequence laced with loads of clearly made up pseudo-scientific techno waffle (this is the girl version of everything that Geordi La Forge would say in Star Trek...yes *of course* reversing the polarities of the sonic bi-wave warp inducer coil will save everyone on the ship from certain destruction...how is this intensely impressive feat of engineering carried out? he shines a blue torch onto a panel of blinking lights of course)...girls...do you *really* think that 'Bi-Ceramide Frigglespatz XMR' exisits? or that it's going to do anything other than clean your hair?

And that's it...now, i'm sure most of us will be chuckling to ourselves now and thinking "ppfff! yeah right! as if *anyone* would fall for that!"...but they do...all of them, now i'm not insulting the girlies at all here or suggesting that only stupid girls fall for this obvious drivel (some of the most intelligent people I know fall for this shit and I find myself looking at them in stunned amazement at the fact that they're giving these ads anything other than massive amounts of sneering sarcasm!)...it's just that these ads go straight for the key things that make girls go all funny and throw whatever modicum of reason they possessed (yes chaps that was a joke...heeheehee...a girl with reason *sigh* that's a good one :P) out the window, much akin to us chaps and our utter inability to resist anything techy/expensive/dangerous, the girlies line of reasoning to such an ad would be as follows:

STEP ONE:
Oooohhhh! She's that stunningly gorgeous celeb I know from Buffy/Dawsons Creek/Legally Blonde etc.

STEP TWO:
Wow! Look! She's a famous celeb and she's twatting about being a busy office gal! *I* do that too...ooohhhh now she's doing extreme sports...wow, she looks great...oh she's so dynamic.

STEP THREE:
Blimey! Look at how perfect she looks, how silky smooth her hair is, the wonderful unblemished perfection of every inch of her skin, how perfectly lithe and supple her pert body is (um...ok that *may* just be me there)...i'll bet it's this nail varnish that does all that for her, wow! that must be some pretty fantastic nail varnish.

STEP FOUR:
Oooohhhhh! What's happening here! I can't understand any of it but it all *sounds* very impressive...this flashy 3D stuff must all be explaining *how* this nail varnish makes her thinner...Oooohhhh! I must buy some! I'd pay *anything* for that!

And that's the next bit...they con you into thinking what they've done with this shit has cost them millions of dollars in scientific research and development, then they charge you £30 for a thimble full of whatever it is and do you know what? None of us boys really notice the difference...sorry to break it to you girls but your eyelashes always look the same to us..."Panoramic Curls" or not...i can honestly say that I have *never* noticed a girls eyelashes being any different from anyone else's. Nail Polish? could be the Humbrol paint from an Airfix kit for all I know. Hair Dye? Um...what colour was your hair before? Shampoo/Conditioner/Hair Oil? Er...your hair still just looks like hair to me. Mascara? Hhhmmmm...still don't really understand that, but I know I don't really notice it. I could go on but i'm sure you girls are one of two things right now...1) upset and weepy. 2) plotting my incredibly painful demise. Um...so with that in mind i'd just like to point out that whilst i'm having a dig at the cosmetics industry here and the cruel ways in which they basically repackage paint in smaller containers and sell it at 3000% of it's actual price :P I am, of course, not having a dig at girlies *in any way*...you're all great and I love you...you're all so wonderfully pretty and you don't need any of this crap to look better, you all look fantastic anyway...*looks round*...*whispers* did I get away with it?...yeah they went for that...*phew!* girls eh? you can sell 'em anything ;)